"If He Never Knows Himself" 

Written and performed by Conner Hoskins

Copyright © 2007

                                                                                         

 

[Narcissus approaches the water’s edge, with the countenance of a gentleman tentatively entering his lover’s chamber.  He pushes the reeds aside and kneels by the pool.  With one delicate finger, he touches the pools surface.]   Darling?  Wake up, darling.  Oh, no, don’t get dressed.  It’s only me.  I really must speak with you.  I feel as if you’ve been avoiding me lately.  Well...  [Smiling, almost seductively] we barely spend a moment of the day out of each other’s sight.  And you’re just as beautiful as the day we met...but there’s something about you...so...[searches for the word] unattainable.  And you’re so quiet!  [Nagging] You never answer me when I speak.  [With passion]  Oh, my love, you’re so near...and yet so far!  [As if in sudden realization]  But I’ve never been good with long distance relationships!  [Pause]  Oh, I forgive you.  I cannot be angry when your lips are so full...and they smile so prettily at me.  [Breathlessly]  Oh, don’t look at me like that!  Oh!  You know just what undoes me!  I can’t stand it, my love.  Come, come to the water’s surface...and kiss me!

 

[Leans down]

 

And with that passionate kiss declaring his undying love, Narcissus drowned himself, quite by accident, while ogling his reflection.  Shocked by his own unexpected death, Narcissus grudgingly crosses the river Styx.  In the grey underworld, he is parted from his love, and walks in utter loneliness on the river’s banks...where he is miraculously reunited with his beloved!  What follows is a somewhat one-sided lover’s quarrel.  Robert Louis Stevenson once said that "Vanity dies hard; in some very obstinate cases it outlives the man." If He Never Knows Himself.

 

[Narcissus walks slowly, arms folded. He sneers.]

 

What a dreadful place this is. And Gods! Look at that disgusting river!  [Peers out over the Styx with disdainful expression]  You would think that Hades would spare a moment of his immortality to decorate –

 

[Exaggeratedly lowers EYES ONLY.  A beat.]  

 

Oh.  It’s you.  Have you nothing to say, then?  No apology?  No “I’m sorry I wasn’t where I said I’d be when I said I’d be there?”  Well, that is just typical of you, isn’t it?  What are you doing down here anyway?  Probably got yourself killed while off on your meandering way with some other man!

I died a most tragic death...you see, my lover promised to meet me at the surface of a lovely little puddle for a single kiss, for that was all I asked of him, and then he wasn’t there.  And I died.

 

[Turns suddenly and points accusatory finger at reflection.]

 

This is entirely your fault, you know.

What an idiot I am for believing anything you tell me.  You fraud!  You trickster!   You lied to me. And I trusted you to be there, waiting with open arms, like I dreamed you would be.  Funny...it almost seemed as though you were going leap out of the pool when I came down to you.  Ah, but that is more of your trickery.  You wanted me to think that you’d be there to catch me, so that the surprise of your absence was all the more painful.  What did I ever do to deserve such wicked spite from you?  Of course, I suppose I‘m not entirely blameless in the matter.  I should have suspected you from the beginning.  I should have listened to my mother.  “Go on, fall in love,” she told me, “and you’ll break your own heart.”

 

[He narrows his eyes, and then become entranced by the beauty of of his reflection, and flutters his lashes sexily.  He straightens up, offended.]

 

Oh, no!  Don’t you dare try to win me back with those pretty eyes and pouting lips!  I’m tired of being manipulated by you and your fair countenance.  Maybe that’s what’s wrong with you...you know how gorgeous you are.  Ugh, I despise vanity! It leads to infidelity, you know.

Ah.  So, the truth comes out.  Don’t try to deny it, your eyes betray you!  You loathsome infidel!  You thief of hearts!  Am I nothing more than a plaything for your passions?  Did you think you could just pick me up and put me back down?  Mister, this is NOT Brokeback Mount Olympus! [Devastated] You cheated on me!

[Tearfully] I must have been blind not to notice.  It was so obvious.  Oh, you can tell me that I’m just being emotional and jealous, but I distinctly remember that every time I took my eyes off you, you looked at someone else!

Will you remain silent, then?  No compassion for your mate?  No loving embrace to offer?  You sicken me!  No, don’t try to apologize, it’s too late.  Our love is dead.  Our romance is no more.  Our passion is spent.  Your rude handling shatters my very soul!  If we had children, I would eat them!

 

[A beat, Narcissus looks into the water with the Ultimate Expression of Hurt]

 

Are you...mocking me?  Even I didn’t think you so malicious!  Stop that!  Stop that, this instant!  You ruined my life!  I hate you!  

 

[Narcissus slaps the water angrily, then, having been splashed, wipes his face off on his arm]

 

You spat on me.  Why, you vile, depraved pig!

 

[Narcissus yells wildly now, furiously beating the water’s surface, disrupting the water until his reflection is unrecognisable]

 

You wicked thief of love!  You lecherous, abject, detestable knave!  You’re awful!  You’re wretched!  You’re intolerable, beastly, cheap!  You’re contemptible, you’re low, you’re evil, you’re fat, you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re

 

[A beat]

 

...you’re gone.

My love?  My dear?  Where are you?

 

[Now frantic, Narcissus pushes his hands through the water, trying to find his reflection]

 

Oh, gods forgive me if I’ve frightened you away!  I know not what horrid mood came over me!  My love, come back!  I’m sorry!  

 

[He is still for a moment, despairing, in tears. Then, he looks down to see his reflection, though it is still quivering with ripples]

 

There you are!  Oh, I feared for you!  What have I done?  I have made you weep.  And look how you tremble!  You must be freezing in that awful river...you should have asked me; I’d have lent you the money for the boatman if I’d known he would toss you in.

 

[Narcissus speaks quietly, his calm returning gradually. His words are tinged with guilt]

 

You know, you really should say something to me when I lose my head like that.  I had no right to call you all those awful names.  I’m really no better myself.  And...you didn’t ruin my life.  And if we had children, I would cherish them.  And...I don’t hate you.  In fact, I rather love you with all my heart, and I’m very glad you’re here.  Now, if you’ll forgive me, I should very much like to try and kiss you again...more carefully, this time.

 

[Narcissus leans down very slowly and tenderly kisses the water’s surface. This attempt is far more successful than the last.]

 

Oh, that was lovely.  Your mouth is so cool!  And your lips flow over mine like – like water!  Bit sloppy, though, aren’t you? And your breath...is a bit like fish.  But no matter!  The Underworld would be insufferably dull without you.  

 

[Narcissus lays down on the bank, staring amorously at his reflection.]

 

Hm. Whoever said love was in vain...must not have know about us.

 

[H touches the water’s surface tenderly, creating gentle ripples like a caress.]

 

For our love blooms more beautifully than any flower in the world. [In a whisper]  Goodnight.

 

“Adam & Steve”

Written and performed by Conner Hoskins

Copyright © 2007

 

 

[A public park, noon.  ADAM and STEVE sit on opposite ends of a park bench, clearly uncomfortable with one another’s presence.  STEVE is dressed only in a pain of boxer shorts bearing the “Superman” emblem, an old pair of socks, and a wife-beater.  ADAM is far better dressed, in neatly ironed designer slacks, leather loafers, and a black Navy-style pea coat with a plaid scarf.  STEVE is diligently biting his fingernails.  ADAM fidgets with his lighter, eventually pulling a pack of cigarettes from his coat and lighting one.  He takes a very long draw before speaking.]

 

ADAM:              My God, it was awful.  I mean, I’d just gone out to get a coffee and all the sudden people burst into flames all about me.  Of course, my first reaction was, “Blame global warming,” but come on!  We’d just seen the Second Coming of Christ live on the BBC that morning.  So, I could only assume it was another Biblical flood scenario without the clever disguise of crap weather.  Bit shocking, isn’t it?

 

STEVE:              Yup.  I know just how you feel, partner.  Me, I was layin’ in bed with my gal, just sleepin’ sorta peaceful-like and all a’ sudden she just lights up like a firework.  Next thing I know I’m sittin’ on a park bench in my under shorts with you.  [Looks at watch]  Been, what, now, about two hours since we got here?  And we ain’t seen a damn soul, yet.

ADAM:              [Sighing] Well...I’m Adam, by the way.

 

STEVE:              Steve.

 

NARRATOR:      Contrary to popular belief, God has a great sense of humour.  In fact, it manifests itself in one simple word: politics.  For instance, let’s consider the fact that homosexual couples suddenly have the nerve to seek equal marriage opportunities.  Many right-wing fundamentalists responded fervently with catchy arguments like, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”

                        No matter who you pray to or who you vote for, you’re not infallible.  As our two survivors will soon reveal, even the Apocalypse is a learning experience, and what better time for God to finally teach Man not to take himself too seriously.  “Adam & Steve.

 

STEVE:              Adam?  Hey, Adam what if everybody else is...well, you know…dead?

 

ADAM:              Then we are the lucky winners of a very large lottery, my singular friend.

 

STEVE:              Looks like this is pretty run of the mill, for you. You know something I don’t?

 

ADAM:              No, I’m emotionally subdued. It’s the English way.

 

STEVE:              Yeah, well, if you’ll excuse me, Texans are a little more excitable.

 

ADAM:              Oh, I’m sure your truck's fine.

 

STEVE:              Adam?  Hey, Adam, do you believe in God?

 

ADAM:              No, I’m afraid not.  I’m having a love affair with atheism at the moment.  Though, if ever there was a time to be suspicious...

 

STEVE:              I’m Baptist.  Adam?  Adam, what if that burstin’ into flames stuff was the Rapture? And this here garden is Eden? And this is the “In the Beginning” part? And what if what if God made a mistake and expects us to...to...be fruitful and multiply?

 

ADAM:              Ooh, well done.  That was stupid for an American. Steve, two people of the male persuasion could hardly repopulate Earth.  It’s physically impossible.  Besides, this isn’t Eden, it’s...Central Park. I’ve seen pictures. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re worrying about that when we’re bound to starve in the next few days unless we happen upon a McDonalds. All we’ve got’s the sack lunch I was bringing to work. Apple?

STEVE:              Hey, thanks, par———Hell, no!  That ain’t funny! Alright, look, it don’t matter if we’re supposed to have babies together or not. We’re still the last two people on Earth and that means that we gotta find some way to save that planet.

 

ADAM:              [Laughingly]  Oh, by all means, go for it.  I’ll wait here.

 

STEVE:              Well, now, look here, you! We got ourselves a genuine crisis on our hands, and all you got the guts to do is sit there and smoke. Now, I have just been grabbed up from my bed by the Good Lord Himself and dropped off in Central Park with a Yurpian who won’t blink an eye for nothing but a soccer match, and, frankly, I am not happy about it. And I don’t know about you, but I have just seen someone very dear to me spontaneously combustulated, so you better start getting’ excited, because we’re looking at extinction! [Huffs angrily, then shivers.]

 

ADAM:              Aren’t you cold?

 

STEVE:              `Course I’m cold, I’m sittin’ outside in New York in my underpants.

 

ADAM:              [Removing his scarf and proffering it to STEVE]  Here.

 

STEVE:              [Accepting it]  Thanks.

 

ADAM:              Alright, look, I’m persuaded.  There is simply no scientific justification for this. I suppose it won’t look very good on my religious resume that it took an Apocalypse to make me a believer, but...well, here you have it. We do seem to be the last two people on Earth.

God, there must be some practical way to look at this. Let’s say that God is hypothetically daft and did leave us as the last of our kind, well, then, he very well may expect us to procreate.  In which case, being the Creator and Whatnot, he has probably provided one of us with the necessary anatomical bits, the location of which, I assume, is unknown to us at present. For the record, whatever happens between us in the near future is our little secret, you know. Obviously, God has no problem with it. So, all that now remains is to avoid starvation long enough to find a way to make babies sea-horse style. [Fruit falls] Ow, Jesus Christ! [He picks it up and shows it to STEVE] Bloody fruit falling out of the sky.

 

STEVE:              Well, there you have it! Good Lord takes care of his children.

 

ADAM:              Yes, after he punishes them for making Brokeback Mountain.

 

STEVE:              So, who do you think it is? I mean…who’s supposed to be the mommy?

 

ADAM:              Oh, I’m positive that’s you.

 

STEVE:              Well, no, it ain’t me, because we don’t do that stuff in Texas. Ya’ll allow gay marriage in Europe. It’s probably you. Ya’ll are the submissive types.

 

ADAM:              Oh, yes, and we had the largest Empire in the world to prove it. I’m not French, you pig.

 

STEVE:              Well, maybe it’s both of us.

 

ADAM:              That would be fair enough.

 

STEVE:              So how’re gonna decide who’s the girl? I mean, I am manlier.

 

ADAM:              Steve, you’re wearing Superman underpants.  Look, we’ll flip a coin, right?

 

STEVE:              Hey, good idea.  I call tails.  OOH, no, wait! I meant heads.

 

ADAM:              Heads it is.  Have you got a coin?

 

STEVE:              Yeah, cause I keep my change in my boxers while I sleep. You ain’t got one?!

 

ADAM:              No, I spent the last bit of my change on that apple you didn’t want.

 

STEVE:              [Pointing to the ground] Hey, look, a quarter.

 

ADAM:              AH, thank you very much, God, you sadistic ba——

 

STEVE:              Whoah, there, Adam.  We know He exists, now don’t piss him off.

 

ADAM:              Fine.  [Picks up the coin]  Almighty Lord, we both know I’m not religious, but I’m hoping that you can look past twenty-nine years of atheism and see that this is the only favor I’ve ever asked of you. [Flips the coin and glances downward]  Oh, bugger.

 

STEVE:              Aw.  That's what you get for callin' Him names.  Thank you, Lord, I ain’t gotta be the girl!

 

ADAM:              [Picks up coin and throws it] Oh, I cannot bloody do this. Five billion nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety eight people have just exploded, there’s a GOD, and he must really hate me because he expects me to leap out of shock and become gay, and then have a baby with George Bush’s retarded cousin and sag for the rest of my life, and do you see this?  This is my last cigarette.  [Begins to cry]

 

STEVE:              Hey, don’t cry, Adam. Look, we’ll be alright. We’ll, uh...we’ll make it through this...together.

 

ADAM:              I’m exceedingly scared, Steve.

 

STEVE:              So am I, honey.  [Kisses ADAM on the cheek]  I don’t feel queer. 

ADAM:              There’s time yet. 

STEVE:              Suppose you’re right. You know, when I was in Middle-school, I had a crush on Tom Cruise. 

ADAM:              Shut up, Steve. 

STEVE:              Well, my point is, this doesn’t have to always be a bad thing. I mean, we might end up with a loving…you

Know...relationship. 

ADAM:              Really? Do you think so?  I mean, no one’s really ever liked me so much...and, well...

STEVE:              I’ll bet our babies’ll be real cute. 

ADAM:              Too far.

STEVE:              Sorry.  Hey, Adam, what’s that?

ADAM:              What’s what? Sweet...heart. 

STEVE:              That right there, comin’ through them trees. 

ADAM:              It’s...a person. 

STEVE:              It’s female person. 

"EVE":               Oh, my God, I thought everybody else was dead! Are you guys alright? How did we get here?——Where are your pants? 

STEVE:              [Finds quarter, picks it up]  Adam?  Heads or tails?

 

 

Sping break has been increasingly depressing.  I haven't seen Matt since....God, I can't remember.  It feels like such a long time.  I've tried to utilize the situation to my advantage, though....I finally renewed my membership at the gym (chiefly so that I could fit into Antonio's costume in The Merchant of Venice).  I lost 11 lbs. initially, but I've been building muscle since then.  So, my only current consolation is that I'll be able to surprise Matt by being significantly sexier when we finally see each other.

 

All in all, I'm very lonely, despite the ever apparent presence of my two cats, who both like to chew on my fingers while I type.  By the way, Matt, if you read this, you'll be happy to know that they're both extremely pregnant and about to have lots of little kittens, thanks to Maurice.